I haven't written in awhile due to leaving for Kathleen's wedding and having to get back into work. I am including a few emails that I've received in the past week that have helped me get through this week.

Here is a post from my HP friend, Traci. She is a woman of faith that has really helped me get through the rough times.
Anyway, I think dealing with IF & loss & ARTS steals away that innocence that allows others to easily ¡§just have faith¡¨. I have this discussion with my girlfriends husband pretty often ¡V he says when we pray we need to pray with absolute ¡§faith¡¨ that what we are asking for will happen. (IE: I KNOW I will conceive; I KNOW God will heal so and so¡¦s cancer, I KNOW this baby will survive, etc.). I say that¡¦s crap (to be blunt about it). And it¡¦s not my lack of faith that makes it crap. Because I can¡¦t pray that way and think that way doesn¡¦t mean I lack faith. My faith rests in the fact that I DON¡¦T KNOW what¡¦s going to happen (I won¡¦t get pg. again, the kid will die of his cancer, I¡¦ll miscarry this baby also, etc.) and yet I know that my Father loves me and has control regardless. That¡¦s where I think the faith comes in. We live in a fallen world and I can¡¦t imagine what my relationship with God would be like if I forced myself to believe that He would answer my prayers the way I wanted. Sorry for the tangent.;-)

Here are two emails from Amy. She has helped me grow spiritually and has uplifted me in the times of pain and suffering.

Thank you for doing the toughest thing of all, turning to God during your storm, I have to say after having experience with over 500 people that serve in ministry, the typical pattern to turn away. Once people turn away, it takes sometimes years, heck decades to return to Christ for a real day-by-day, walking with Him relationship. Esther you have given me hope in ministry, please know that I am touched by your faith

This is a greiving process you will mourn and it will take time. I know seeing families is hurtful, I experienced the same sting of resentment after my losses too. However, I know that you will not allow those feelings to settle in your heart and take hold forever. I just don't see you as that kind of person. You've seen them, I've seen them. They ooze bitterness, their countence sour from what is unresolved in their hearts

So, it is normal to have the feelings that you do Esther. It is perfectly ok to feel let down and dissapointed with God. He is big enough and awesome enough to handle our complaints. I don't have all the answers and I know I will struggle with absolute faith in God until I die. I won't give up, I will run this race until the end. In Christ,Amy



Here is an email I wrote to my friend Judy. It helped explain how I've dealt with loss and infertility in the past 3 years.
Prior to beginning the second cycle, I really prayed and felt that God was leading me. I have grown so much this year that I have only felt my relationship with God and my husband grow. Unfortunanantly, even Satan knows where to push my buttons and when I am down, he knows that I struggle with making myself feel guilty, feelings of isolation, frustration, anger, fear and doubt.The hardest part about all of this is knowing the difference. It goes without saying that I felt guilty about wheather or not I really did God's Will or my own. Questioning the Why about all the lives we lost in this. Christians making comments about how you have to have faith. This I think is the hardest. It makes me feel like, Just because we didn't have a baby, does that mean we didn't have faith, or ie: miscarriages, a failed marriage, abortion, loss of a baby from a car accident. Whatever it happens to be. I refer to Job because he lost so much but it didn't mean that he didn't have faith. He actually continued to praise God.In a way, I struggle with asking God, "did I deserve this". I did everything right, I went to college, I waited to get married, we waited for the "right" time to start a family. I see so many people that don't deserve to have kids and ask why?The thing is that this is not heaven and we live in a fallen world. It is as simple as that. I have to make sense of it all by just remembering that. What I deserve is NOTHING. It is only by God's grace that I have everything.Our pastor had a sermon series titled "why do we suffer?" I listen to it time and time again as it reminds me of God's Grace. I am just really letting Satan get to me lately. It doesn't help that in this past 1 1/2 years I have not had any natural cycles. My body has been on hormones which seriously can cause you to feel out of whack. Poor Robert. I really have to give him credit for being my rock.