Psalm 75:1 "Unto thee, O God, do we give thanks, unto thee do we give thanks: for that thy name is near thy wondrous works declare.
Come unto Me, talk to Me, dwell with Me and then you will know My Way is a sure way, My Paths are safe paths. Come very near to Me. Dig dep down into the soil of the Kindgom. Effort and rest- a union of the two.
Whew..... I couldn't even post yesterday as I'm truly exhausted emotionally and physically. I asked for calm and peace. I was able to acheive calmness but the peace part is still something that I haven't embellished yet because I am trying very hard to accept this outcome. A part of me is ignoring having to pray to God because I'm feeling so bummed out about this.
This scripture feels like God is reaching out to me and I'm like a baby who refuses to do what his parent wants him to do. I know that I will eventually be ready but I want to kick and scream and through a tantrum like an infant.
Robert was home yesterday when I got home. I had taking a HPT in the morning, so I pretty much accepted that I wasn't pregnant. After 300pm I said let's take a nap. I knew that they would call if we did. Carolyn called at 3:30 and told me that the number had dropped to 6. I told her I pretty much knew because I did a HPT. She apoligized ( what more could she say?) and then asked for me to come in next week for a retest to make sure the number is "0". I'm really annoyed with this and feel that If I start my period, what's the point. We'll see.
I could see the hurt on Robert's face. I don't think I ever saw this before. He said "why can't we ever hear good news?" I held him close as I know he is really hurting and wants to be strong for me. He is not ready yet to talk about adoption. I know that only time will have to pass for him to be ready.
I am really not in any mood to talk to anyone today. I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over and just want to get away. I heard just yesterday from a dear friend that we all have dreams and she has different dreams. Sometimes they just are hard to reach. Now she said other things that were very nice and I know people mean well but geesh can't they just listen and not minimize my grief and suffering and make me feel like my dreams of being pregnant are comparable to their own dreams? I do realize that everyone has their own issues that they deal with but I really don't want to hear about it or feel like my suffering is comparable to someone who is going through divorce, financial hardship, a cheating spouse, whatever it is, I feel that this is the hardest thing I've gone through and didn't bring this on myself. It was out of my control that there was no other way I could have avoided it.
I'm just venting, so Melissa if your reading this, I apologize that this is strictly a way for me to get my frustrations out.
Well that's it. My pregnancy was short lived. I don't even feel like I can say I was pregnant because I hardly felt like it. I can't even really say I had a miscarriage. What was this? I feel like I have so many babies in heaven right now. Too many to count. Gosh 4 from the first cycle. 13 from the second, and I think 13 from the third. I would have to go back on each cycle and really think about this but 30 souls? I feel like a failure, like maybe I was reaching for my own desires and wants instead of God's Will. I know I'm just beating myself up because this didn't work. I have to forgive myself and know that God loves me and is my Saviour. I'm getting there God, please give me time.